Wedding Jokes
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
This couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked ; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. “Heavens no” he replied. Murder yes, but never divorce.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”
A man was speaking to God.
“God, why did you make women so beautiful?” he asked.
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
Then the man asked: “Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?”
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
The man then asked: “But God, why did you make women so stupid?”.
God said: “I did that to make them love you ! “
Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I’m looking for a loophole
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?
John: “I’m a man of few words.” Bill: “I’m married, too.”
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:
1 – Women, and 2 – Fractions.
When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
There are 2 times a man doesn’t understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn’t need.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all!
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?” The mom replied, “Because they’re happy, dear.”Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do men wear black?”Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren’t fantasizing.
When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn’t know his first name was ALWAYS!
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
I’m in total control, but don’t tell my wife.
Men’s brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.
Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
WHAT MAKES MEN CHASE WOMEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF MARRYING? THE SAME URGE THAT MAKES DOGS CHASE CARS THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DRIVING.
WHY ARE HUSBANDS LIKE LAWN MOWERS? THEY’RE HARD TO GET STARTED, EMIT FOUL ODORS, AND DON’T WORK HALF THE TIME.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
101 Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth…
27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really… I do this part better myself!
48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You’re almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession…
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen ‘Fatal Attraction’?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for ‘The Enquirer’.
93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…
99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
100. How long do you plan to be ‘almost there’?
101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?
